Many things happened recently and every time when there is something significant (to me) happens, I over-interpret the meaning of it. For example, I watched the LTC (Livingston Theatre Company at Livingston Campus) production "The Producers" a month ago, and I started to question my life and tried to make it "better" for next semester. (This post will be done soon.. If I am feeling okay in few days)
Anyway, even while I was studying for my finals, I really hated that I had to learn things. I know it is important and it is not "all" boring and hard, but it is surely something that my passion has been slowly disappeared from the subject. Then, I realized that I hung out with non-business school friends more than business school friends for weeks. I even grew jealousy from my friend (my best one) and had negative feelings. I know I shouldn't have, and I feel really sorry about my behavior toward her, but now I am trying to go back to my normal self.
I used to grumble about the words "doing something for the sake of doing it". It did not occur much until second half of my sophomore year. After seeing other worlds than my major, I started to question more about myself. Then, thanks to my "current" minor, my grade didn't go up much and my hatred toward my minor spread across everywhere. Now I am even confused about what I used to like.
There is a line "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy" (See title) in the song "Bohemian Rhapsody". I feel that way, unfortunately. The more I think of it, the more I think myself in a dream that when I wake up, the worse part will just disappear. I even contemplated about the life I wanted to live in. The life where money is "spread on" like jam on my future house, my future life. I felt disgusted. I thought I would be happy about it, but now I realized I can't be like that. Forget all those wonderful apartments in New York city, the sun-shining weekends when I can take a walk and pick up some fresh groceries on the corner. This is, perhaps, a fantasy that will constantly ruin my expectation.
I know money is important, or I guess "financial stability". I surely don't want to starve to death in this country. But I fear that I would be. With my bad grade and everything, either way I fear that I would become "nothing". Nothing like a fantasy that can be disappeared into thin air. I fear that I cannot be a help whenever my family and friends need. I just fear that I will be no one that others ignore and consider as useless.
I recently realized that I have eyes to analyze artworks and help people learning art. Even though I still need some practice to become a more skilled critic, I felt amazing when I help them with looking at art. Even music I can see the details and make connections. But lots of people ask me what kind of jobs can I get if I study art history. I don't know at this point because I just started taking classes. It is so new to me that I need more studying to do to figure out such problems. Some think that people who study art history will have a hard time finding jobs than the ones who study "practical" subject. But look at me. I know my grades are not that good (simply I cannot consume much knowledge at some point) so I can't get it. I am already ignored and rejected by some.
Perhaps it is not safe to put such post up online, but I think I need a psychologist. Whether I can take the MMPI - II or just a simple Freudian consulting, I am willing to spend my time to figure out what is wrong with me. Because at this point, my distorted mindset is dominated by this pressure -- the thing that human beings invented and destroying themselves because of it.
Copyright 2013. Image from Google Images.