Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy? (from "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)

Hello. I know some students are still taking final exams but I'm done for my junior year as of this Monday. Though I am not that happy about my year. Sure, I met lots of people who are great and I feel lucky about it. But, the reason why I am not satisfied is because of my classes. (Or, I guess my major.)

Many things happened recently and every time when there is something significant (to me) happens, I over-interpret the meaning of it. For example, I watched the LTC (Livingston Theatre Company at Livingston Campus) production "The Producers" a month ago, and I started to question my life and tried to make it "better" for next semester. (This post will be done soon.. If I am feeling okay in few days)

Anyway, even while I was studying for my finals, I really hated that I had to learn things. I know it is important and it is not "all" boring and hard, but it is surely something that my passion has been slowly disappeared from the subject. Then, I realized that I hung out with non-business school friends more than business school friends for weeks. I even grew jealousy from my friend (my best one) and had negative feelings. I know I shouldn't have, and I feel really sorry about my behavior toward her, but now I am trying to go back to my normal self.

I used to grumble about the words "doing something for the sake of doing it". It did not occur much until second half of my sophomore year. After seeing other worlds than my major, I started to question more about myself. Then, thanks to my "current" minor, my grade didn't go up much and my hatred toward my minor spread across everywhere. Now I am even confused about what I used to like.

There is a line "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy" (See title) in the song "Bohemian Rhapsody". I feel that way, unfortunately. The more I think of it, the more I think myself in a dream that when I wake up, the worse part will just disappear. I even contemplated about the life I wanted to live in. The life where money is "spread on" like jam on my future house, my future life. I felt disgusted. I thought I would be happy about it, but now I realized I can't be like that. Forget all those wonderful apartments in New York city, the sun-shining weekends when I can take a walk and pick up some fresh groceries on the corner. This is, perhaps, a fantasy that will constantly ruin my expectation.

I know money is important, or I guess "financial stability". I surely don't want to starve to death in this country. But I fear that I would be. With my bad grade and everything, either way I fear that I would become "nothing". Nothing like a fantasy that can be disappeared into thin air. I fear that I cannot be a help whenever my family and friends need. I just fear that I will be no one that others ignore and consider as useless.

I recently realized that I have eyes to analyze artworks and help people learning art. Even though I still need some practice to become a more skilled critic, I felt amazing when I help them with looking at art. Even music I can see the details and make connections. But lots of people ask me what kind of jobs can I get if I study art history. I don't know at this point because I just started taking classes. It is so new to me that I need more studying to do to figure out such problems. Some think that people who study art history will have a hard time finding jobs than the ones who study "practical" subject. But look at me. I know my grades are not that good (simply I cannot consume much knowledge at some point) so I can't get it. I am already ignored and rejected by some.

Perhaps it is not safe to put such post up online, but I think I need a psychologist. Whether I can take the MMPI - II or just a simple Freudian consulting, I am willing to spend my time to figure out what is wrong with me. Because at this point, my distorted mindset is dominated by this pressure -- the thing that human beings invented and destroying themselves because of it.


Timetaler
Copyright 2013. Image from Google Images.

Each Light Bulb Shines In Each Way - Thank You Gifts

Hello readers. I have been so busy (and I still am) this past few weeks and I'm so ready to go into the summer break. Before I get mad and go crazy about the finals, this is what I want to share. So, a long time ago, I did a post called "Releasing Creativity (in a busier way)" (click the title for the post) where I talked about the then-graduating seniors in my e-board. This year, (finally!) I did it again. Last time, it was done by someone else but this time I coordinated!

My original plan was to have the same thing for each four person as last time -- getting shot glasses with their names on. But I couldn't find good shot glasses so instead, I tried to do the porcelain idea.

(The famous porcelain idea on Pinterest)

Anyway, "thankfully" I couldn't find plain porcelain cups. They all had glossy texture so I decided to scratch off from the list. So I hoped for the best and went to the craft store and looked at possible ideas. I checked the frames (too expensive) and clock materials (also too expensive to do all four people). At that point, I was so close to give up and go back to my room and study. Then I found the woodblock letters (painted black). It clicked right away and I grabbed couple Sharpies and tried it. It worked! So I quickly grabbed them and checked out.

So each person signed with a message, wishing each member for happy life after graduation (one person is studying abroad so it was all "bon voyage"). I realized later that the letters were smaller than I expected because some people had to sign at the back.

(First I thought they could look like frat's letters, but they look awesome anyway!)

Then my next project was to get the bags done. Since my organization's color was red, white, and black, I "color-coded" the wrapping.

With extra decorations, they were all set! I forgot to take pictures after when they were done because I was so eager to give the members the gifts. They all loved it and they talked about their experience in the group. Some people get teary and stuff but we all took picture at the end,  marking another wonderful record of memory.

One anonymous said that people are individual decorative light bulbs on a tree. (you know, that string of lights on the tree outside of fancy buildings) When they were young, they thought they were big trees. As they get older, they realize that they are just light bulbs on a tree. Those are small and are not lit in daylight. But at night, in the darkness, they wrap around the tree and light up and bring festivity to the surrounding. I know my organization is still young and we had tough times for semesters, but without each of us's effort to guide others in a better and wonderful directions, we probably are still lost. The organization is a structure like a tree where thousands of members wait for us earlier in the process of getting inducted (day). I am pretty sure some members think we do not do our job and send angry emails. However, with patients of great members, we "lit" ourselves to guide them to become leaders on their own.

So many E-board members have come in and out and this will continue. As the "oldest" one to stay in the board, it is sad to say goodbye for great people to leave the society. But always, new members also fulfill their expectation (perhaps exceed it) and make the organization stronger. A tree can stand its own, but without the light bulbs, others might pass by without notice. This is not a matter of being ignored from outside parties; this is a matter of building a stronger structure for this group. Even if the graduating seniors and one person studying abroad leave the group, the reflection of their "light" will always be remembered by remaining ones.

Timetaler

Copyright 2013. Photos by Timetaler except first one (Pinterest) and last one (Google Images). Disclaimer: Not selling anything in here nor I am not proposing any religious or political ideology. The analogy used here is purely analogy.

Who Are You Anyway?

So, I've been extremely not active since March -- this is all because of my killer courses this year. Sometimes I don't even know what I am doing. I cannot even think when was my last time to think about myself in a quiet space outside. Anyway, I just wanted to make a post so someone specific can leave a message.

A while ago, I wrote a post called "Kyrie Eleison", which was a review posting for the movie "Pieta". It was such a long time ago, and not many people read it at that time. But recently I saw that post had at least 20 hits a day. First I thought it could be just someone who wanted to search "Pieta" and came in that way. But look at this now, all the hits are from European countries and some of them I don't even have a friend from there. Creepy!

I don't care if someone had to use the post for their paper (even though I'm not a reliable source!!). It's not my movie anyway, but I just wanted to share with readers that this was a well-made film. If someone came in for the artwork "Pieta", I am sorry. Even if this is an art/reminiscence blog, it was not meant to trick you. But if you are hitting my post with no reason, please answer this. Who are you anyway? I'm not mad, but I'm just curious. And thank you for reading it so many times -- that post has over 200 hits so far.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just want to say here that recent tragedies in Boston, Texas, and China took so many precious families and friends. My condolences to all.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Timetaler

Enough With Those Negative Attitudes - (a piece of advice, perhaps)

Hello readers! It was such a beautiful day today, and I was already sad because I have an exam coming up (on my 21st birthday!). So I pushed myself out from the room. I studied somewhat but tonight is going to be lots of fun because I won't stop until I finish what I planned to do. Anyway, I know I have negative connotation time to time, but trust me for this once. You won't regret this. This was hard for me, but if you are going through what I've been through, I would like you to consider the option I have chosen (as of now).

I recently made my mind to reorganize my priorities. For example, I've been enjoying what I am learning now and excited for my skills to be used in a good way. I also learned that I should teach myself to strive that way even though it might be tough. Anyway, I am glad that I'm still a student. 

One of the toughest choices was due to a person problem. Things got crazy and I wouldn't specify what went wrong since there are some readers apparently can figure out what is going on. I had to decide whether it was beneficial to me now and in future, so I had to step away for now and rethought about my other options. I started to think that I should intelligently build myself to differentiate from others. Yes, I am well aware of what I "can" become after graduation. I don't hate it but if you can live as you want, what would you do?

I kept thinking about two years ago, around this time, I was trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life. Oh, I was so young back then. I didn't understand what was going on in the industry nor anything about accounting. I just knew assets and liabilities. Well, I am still in similar situations but I did not stop since then. As if I am trying my best to not have a deathbed regret, I am working away from negative minds and constantly looking for ways to make myself unique from others. Some people (and perhaps all accounting students after another hard exam because we are perfectionists) emit pessimistic energy. Yes I do, and perhaps a hint of sarcasm and cynical languages, sometimes. However, I was so angry that I was de-motivated all the time last week because of my body was not strong enough to hold me until 2 am when I need to study. I went to the gym finally and worked out for an hour. I felt good while tried to ignore all the negative things I saw online. I've been doing this for days now. Because pessimism kills you. It literally does. I'm not completely in denial period but I started to filter and absorb quickly. It's my mental detox method. 

Some of my friends are always "demotivated" as if they are forced to attend school or study the subject they are doing. And some others figured out what they wanted to do and made changes. They love their lives now. But some didn't and whine all the time.

(Don't you dare emit your negative energy. source here)

The world isn't the perfect place to live. There is always a conflict, a fight, struggle and frustration. But there is also happiness and joyfulness. Do you think you are miserable? Have you considered people living in a worse condition? People who cannot help themselves and others cannot. It's just the way it is. But if it is possible to change the situation, I will change it to make it beneficial to me. Where do you think you fall in among 6 billion people? 10 millionth place? Thousandth place? No, you should not be working toward No.1 in this case. Because there is no No.1. It all depends. What matters is to toughen yourself and work your way to be the only one that no one can become.


Timetaler
Copyright 2013. Image source presented underneath.

Shaping, Molding, and Plaster(ing) Myself and My Work

This post was supposed to happen almost the end of last year but I was too busy and then I completely forgot about it. I promised others to create this post about my "recent" creation and the challenge I went through with chicken wire, plaster and burlap strips. Well, here it goes.

So the day after my hardest exam of last semester, I asked someone (who I feel always grateful to know) a favor to join this art class. It was geared toward 8th graders but I just simply needed artistic challenge so I joined it. While waiting for the group to show up in front of the building, I saw a group of Intermediate Accounting class, out from final exam. I felt great (I don't know why) because I was happy that I wasn't one of them. I took it over summer so I didn't have to take it during that semester. Anyway, waiting for the group, I couldn't find them so I walked to the building that the group would have the class. I found so many interesting works of visual art students. I took some pictures. (Disclaimer: The works presented here are not mine and I don't own them)

(Aren't they fun to look at? The photos aren't that good 

because my phone one wasn't good.)

Anyway, I met three 8th graders and the instructor named Theresa a little later. We made a tour to the building and saw the works of plaster (see third photo). Then we had to design what we want to make. 

With hours of fighting with chicken wire, plaster and water, I finally made a "bow". 

It doesn't look that good. Others made a torso or something else (I cannot remember) but it was fun yet hard. I hugged my work in order to not drop and break into pieces. It was getting hot due to chemical reaction. It was good to hug something "hot" in winter.

Anyway, according to Theresa's teaching, I think I am still lacking the ability to think in third dimension. I am used to draw illustrations or to paint, so my brain is still yet to be wired in a different way. I decided to study more of sculptures (one of the weakest parts of my art studying and my artistic skill as well) time to time.

I put my first plaster model in an empty Poland spring box so it won't move around when I carry it home. I was proud of myself to go through a hard task. Perhaps it might help shape myself too. Because I am still second dimension, but yet to be evolved into a third dimensional work. Sculpting is all about shaping, molding, and plaster(ing) self and the artwork itself. I guess it was a good lesson and meditation for me. I can't wait till I join for next available expansion of my art knowledge and creative idea.

Timetaler

Copyright 2013. Photos by Timetaler. Last two works are done by Timetaler. (Tried to imitate Jeff Koon's style)